The ping-pong legal battle over a somewhat fetid cut-through goes on... and on... and on...
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| It was - and currently still is - Sir John Hawkins Square |
"Oh what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to bugger about with street names". It's not exactly Sir Walter Scott but I bet if the Scottish poet and historian had been living in Plymouth the last four years, he'd have penned it.
The latest news about Sir John Hawkins Square - and oh God am I tired of writing the latest news about that forlorn, unattractive, urine-soddened square - is that because of a change in the law in January, which appeared to pass by the keen eyes who rest their weary bones in the legal department Plymouth City Council, the aim of changing the name of the square has hit yet another stumbling block.
Here's the short version:
Black Lives Matter protests in wake of killing of George Floyd in America, petition raised to rename Sir John Hawkins Square, council concerned someone might rip street name signs down, they're removed and put into storage like a even-less agreeable painting of Dorian Gray, suggestions by council to name square after black Argyle footballer Jack Leslie, legal challenges from city 'entrepreneur' and serial council-baiter Danny Bamping who - it must be admitted - did suggest a far better choice would be honouring Jack with a street outside Home Park (and he turned out to be right, it was a better decision, which is perhaps why the council very grudgingly did rename the unnamed street Jack Leslie Way and then rather ungraciously failed to admit Bamping was right on that score), council goes to court over Bamping's insistence they've not followed the the legislation in removing the signs and renaming the square, court reveals that the legislation is already on the council's side and they can do as they bloody please thank you very much, Bamping loses case, keeps trying to appeal over the coming months and years to overturn courts decision, keeps losing, an exasperated council eventually goes for nuclear option and secure an Extended Civil Restraint Order banning him from issuing proceedings against the council with regards to the square for two years, council cheerfully announces it will now call the square "Justice Square" [OMFG more on that in a bit], another person then challenges council over renaming and they go to court again, law changes in January 2024, barrister writes skeleton argument to council pointing out where they've missed the bits which nobbles them, council throws hands in air and screams 'bugger this for a game of soldiers, we have to go back to the bloody drawing board' and reveal they will be starting the entire process all over again.
Yes. That's the short version. I know. Seriously, I know.
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| A plaque at Minster Church... to mark the anniversary of the death of Sir John Hawkins |
Now, some context - Danny Bamping was the person who asked the council to review the name of Howeson Lane, in Derriford which had been named after the former Royal Navy commander, Charles Howeson. Obviously, after Howeson was convicted and jailed for indecent assaults on several young men over a period of several years, the honour of having a street named after him was considered problematic.
Obviously, we can't change history, as ruddy-faced handlebar-moustached Brigadier-General types are wont to bellow as they thump the bar of their local gentlemen's club with their pudgy fists before creepily reminiscing about the "native girls" when they served in North Africa, but there are times when changing a street name is not going to rupture the space-time continuum like a wayward regenerated Dr Who who has no thought or care for the complex issues of complex timelines, butterfly effects, the killing of Hitler as a baby and coming back to present day to find cats ruling the world. Although I'm not entirely opposed to that. The killing of Hitler, not the cats as our new overlords. God, just imagine how awful that'd be!
So, with history taking a backseat for a moment, the council appeared to consider the application to change the street, asked local businesses in that street for their thoughts as per the then legislation, agreed to change it, handled a challenge to retain the name from Howeson's family, won the challenge and finally changed it to Bracken Lane.
I should add that if you type in Bracken Lane into Google Maps, it shows the lane. But if you type in Howeson Lane into Google Maps? Yeah, it shows the same lane. That's Google for you.
Momentarily, back to history - it transpired that the original naming of Sir John Hawkins Square was not some deliciously sacred and historical pre-world wars event. It's actually only as old as the bouffant hair-do days of the 1980s when a couple of council engineers, at what was clearly the least imaginative brainstorming session, decided that the land next to the newly built Magistrates' Court needed a suitable name and as the Merchant's House was just around the corner and hadn't been knocked down by the court builders, the name should have some sort of Elizabethan bent to it.
And what's more Elizabethan than Plymouth-born Admirable Sir John Hawkins, former MP for Plymouth, former Treasurer of the Navy and cousin of the great mariner Sir Francis Drake? He's so Elizabethan that yes, he even got Queen Elizabeth to invest money in his second slave trade excursion because they were awfully lucrative and hey, everyone was doing it, so what's the issue here?
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| Painting of Sir John Hawkins by Flemish artist Hieronimo Custodis was bought for Plymouth in 1928 by Western Morning News owners |
The only thing more Elizabethan than that would be harrying the despicable Spanish and robbing them blind at every opportunity with Queen Elizabeth's personal approval. Which he did. So it got named after a former privateer/pirate who - while also securing the Royal Navy as the foremost naval force in the world - made an absolute mint selling human beings into the abject misery and horror of slavery in a country where even now they really do seem to have a problem with black people. And I'm not even trying to rewrite history, y'all.
Obviously calling it "Merchant Square" was a imaginative step too far, but that's council staff for you. They're not notoriously the most creative of people are they and I don't expect Jean Paul Gaultier, Banksy or Tracey Emin ever lusted for a job in the Customer and Corporate Services Department of Plymouth City Council? And how different would the Armada Way redevelopment look if they did. Boggles the mind, doesn't it?
I admit, I am being unfair to the council staff who decided to call the square after Sir John Hawkins because they have undoubtedly been beaten, hands down and into a corner, by the more recent mind-numbingly moronic decision to call it "Justice Square".
I have no words. Actually, I do, but most of them are swear words and shouted at such a fevered pitch that I may just rupture something. Ideally the internal organs of the blancmange-brained futtock who came up with that name.
Seriously? "Justice Square"? It's sounds like something that fatty Kim Jong Un on a ketamine-infused bender would name a square in North Korea, complete with two giant concrete sabres arched over a statue of his dad made from the crushed skulls of human rights activists. You could imagine it's the name given to a square after America's next civil war where all the liberals, Hollywood actors and Taylor Swift fans are ceremoniously shot dead by a firing squad of astonishingly overweight and illiterate MAGA hat-wearing ingrates.
It's the sort of name that suggest the person who came up with it actually sat down with a leaking Biro in their mouth and thought "I know... it's next to Plymouth Magistrates' Court, why don't we call it 'Justice Square' because that's where justice is dispensed!"
Firstly, you may just as well call it "Punishment Square" or "Oh Shit, I've Been Caught Speeding Square" or "You're Fined Square" or "Victim Surcharge? What The Hell's That Square". As the Barking Bard Billy Bragg pointed out in his song 'Rotting on Remand', this is not a court of justice son, it's a court of law.
The magistrates' court is not the place you want to go to if you want 'justice'. I can't imagine anyone ever left that place with their heads held high going "yes, my car was trashed by a drunken oaf who now has to pay a small fine, court costs, the victim surchar,ge, which along with my compensation, will be taken weekly out of their Universal Credit and take around two years to be fully paid - I have indeed got justice!"
Secondly, the name is far more likely to conjure up the image of a statue of the Justice League with Batman, Superman and Wonder Woman standing in the usual hero pose (legs apart, fists clenched at the waist, underpants on the outside, young male sidekick in the background with dubious look on their face). For younger readers, try and imagine Prime Video's "The Seven" without the porn, drugs and psychopaths.
So far thousands of pounds have been blown on the square's legal wrangling - Bamping has already been ordered to pay £21,933.60 which the council has spent in legal costs while the council has been forced to pay the second opposers' costs of £2,302.
And the latest news from the council?
A council spokesperson said: "We will begin the renaming process in accordance with the latest legislation as soon as possible."
I swear, I have my head in my hands.
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| Sir John Hawkins Square |
But there is light at the end of the tunnel and it may not necessarily be the train coming the other way. I would like to present my renaming suggestion for the square which does not invoke slavery, executions or superheroes and is far more memorable, accurate and suitable, truly encapsulating the last four years:
Omnishambles Square...
I'm kidding. Call it Merchant Square and be done with it.
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